Drama Sunday

honey, i don’t think you’re worthy enough for a post on my personal blog, but well, because of things that i’m burdened my mind with since this morning, i’d like to get them out of my head and be done with it.

first of all, i have no business with you, or my ex, or what you have to do with my ex, or my bf for that matter of fact. plus, i could have cared less if i would care in the first place. but here, this is all the fuck that i give about the whole thing. none. so, i don’t get it why you burden yourself with comparing that you tell my bf drama and he tells it to me but you don’t tell to your bf? i mean, take it, we talk, and you guys don’t. i don’t see the problem here, at all.

second, if you’re having concerns about your relationship, sure, consult, talk to people. just, don’t expect them to feed you with solutions or come up with some magical ways out of your own problems. plus, your problems don’t even concern him. he is there only because he wants the latest gossip. truth, might be a little harsh to process, but i have no other choice but throwing it at your face. it’s quite apparent that you and your bf suit each other just fine because obviously both of you are playing dumb, or horribly oblivious. either way, i don’t get it.

on top of that, i didn’t intend to interrupt in the first place. but it was to a point that it turned into an annoyance that’s why i stepped in. as i said before, i don’t give a flying fuck, until you became something that is just a hindrance. sure, we are all insecure. i am highly and horribly insecure too. but not everyone knows that. you’re insecure to the point that you asked your ex to compare you to me. that is not insecure anymore, that is pure desperation. you’re talking to your ex is one thing, asking your ex to compare you to his current gf is beyond words. i have nothing else to say.

also, about your current “bf”, he suits you well, on your level of oblivion. i can’t stress enough on how much i wanted to kill people when i have a serious talk with your bf. the level of oblivion is too high that i can’t stand, and trust me, i’ve dealt with stupid people before. for a moment i was really glad that i moved on from him after 2 months. but oh well, young and stupid.

anyway. that’s it. i don’t hate you, i can’t stress that enough, because if i do, you wouldn’t be anywhere that i can see. so stop inferring and interpreting in your little mind with no brain that i hate you. i don’t. and i don’t give enough a fuck to rise to hate you.

2012
05/20
CATEGORY
LJ
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May 9th

mint tea. have been a while since i had mint tea. full leaves mint tea. it was strangely soothing. the smell of mint. i forgot how much i used to love it back then.

i made a clinical course of guys i used to date. fluctuate often between dominant and submissive, not so surprising. i’m not a stable person to have a stable dating clinical course. i’d be surprised with myself if i even have something that is mildly stable in my life. i realized how much i empathize with mood disorder chapter more than any other chapter in psychopathology. not because i have it, but also because i realize that i have friend with too many people who i can diagnose them with it. talking about influence.

raining makes me depressed. i am normally already depressed when it’s sunny outside, and raining just makes it worse. with all the emotions of about to fail and such, i can’t seem to lift my mood, along with a bunch of other stuff happening. Norah Jones is very soothing and it goes well with mint tea, but it’s not a mood-changing music. but then, i can’t even understand myself. i got annoyed at Gotye’s music today. it was all too much.

pure dysthymia is a rare disorder. no one would have just pure dysthymia. they would have a major depression episode at some point of their clinical course. and aside from that, i am tired…

2012
05/09
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LJ
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May 5th

i feel like an absolute selfish bitch. who am i to think that after a fight that i initiated i would wake up to your text. hah. who am i kidding…

i didn’t want to talk. every time i talk to you i couldn’t stop thinking about what you told me. not only the parents part, but mainly the part when you asked me if i still wanted this. i was really surprised, because i didn’t think you would say something like that. so i was scared. i was mortified and scared. i didn’t know what to do. i never thought i would have to deal with that question. i thought i prevented it by binding you by a promise to not let me go. but i was the one to hear it first and that left me in a mess i don’t know how to swamp out of it.

so i took my mind of that with tax project. but you kept texting. i couldn’t even cry at first. at the end of the night, i still couldn’t cry. instead i have a horrible migraine. i woke up the next day seeing that i had cried unconsciously while i was sleeping. i guess that’s why i feel a lot better the next morning. still a mess, but at least no accompanying migraine or tears built up inside that i couldn’t get out.

and now we are seriously not talking. and now i feel like an absolute bitch for  avoiding you and then being a bitch then expecting you to be okay with it. i’m not sure what to answer to the question earlier still. i’m not sure if i even want to answer that question. i know that being with you would mean constant fight with parents like this, but if you can say it once you can say it many times, and if you have that ideation once you can have it many more times. once you cross that line, you can cross it back and forth. and idk how to deal with that…

another mess.

2012
05/05
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LJ
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April 30

so i wasn’t sure about what i heard today. it hit me in the face, like a slap of reality that i have no connection whatsoever with the life i had before. it was just a semester ago but i feel like it was another life before. i thought i was happy. i thought finally i actually find someone that would be a best friend that i had been looking for. someone that i actually hung out with daily and someone that i shared crazy ideas with. yeah, it was a crazy idea to agree to adopt a baby with you after graduation. i didn’t plan on staying but for the sake of the baby i was for a moment considering it was true. at least, i thought it was true.

it did finally dawn on me that we moved on. we changed, and we moved apart. we were drunk, and we made promises on how we would be best friends forever. i guess i finally realized that nothing is forever, that everything has an expiration date. i thought it might have been different, you know, because i thought you would understand. but apparently you didn’t. and i overestimated you, and our friendship. it’s ok. i don’t blame you, or anyone. i can’t. because obviously i overvalued whatever i had with you. it wasn’t a best friend kind of deal. it was more of a mutual benefit friends thing that we had. and i understand that clearly. i shouldn’t expect that much from an environment like this. Americans don’t know about friendship without the mutual benefits. especially, no offense, those who are from Nova.

you know, it’s whatever, when you think it’s ok to out me of your life like there wasn’t anything there. bitch, i know you enough to read you like an open book. and you know me enough to understand my condescending tone. but i guess none of us valued that enough to stay friends. you saw me on Thursday and pointed at me “you”. what the fuck did you think? i simply replied you with “what?” and walked away. did you think that i would stay and talk to you like nothing happened? because you know, you did sort of abandoned me. apart from talking shit behind my back to people, you also stayed silent when i needed you the most. well, thanks for that. really. because for a short period of time i actually thought you would be one of my best friends that i could proudly say that he had stayed with me since college.

now i can only laugh to myself about how idiotic i have been. for a long time i poured my heart out to you about most of the things, and in exchange what i got out of it was realization that you’re no better than anyone i know. 3 years of college and all i got, socially, was 2 actual friends that i think i can trust with most matters, and a few that i actually like. and those people, not so surprisingly, are Starbucks people. they actually like me and i actually like them. i guess it was still mutually beneficial, but they do know my preferences enough for me to come in and say “regular” and they’d know. i remember i used to give you starbucks because i got them for free. i wonder how it goes for you now, without me supplying you with unlimited starbucks everyday. it must have been one of the things on top of your head when you know i wouldn’t be around. typical.

i can’t exactly stress enough how much i don’t like it here. i don’t think i have ever been. but no one really knows. especially parents. they wouldn’t know how i struggle through classes, or drunken nights, or assholes like this. they’d never know how i spend my weekends sleeping at home because i hate majority of the people here, and of course they wouldn’t understand why i want to move. i never talked about it. but i miss home. even though the friends in high school suck, but at least, it feels like home. it’s not home here. they say college is the best time of your life. it’s my best time because i grew up a lot because of it. mum said she can see my growing up process from 1st to 2nd year in college. because i’ve to deal with people, mum, and it’s not all happy moments.

i have times when i want to cry but i couldn’t. for reasons i’m not sure yet, tears won’t come out and i look tired more than ever. i realized that times that i was happy, or i think it was happy, i spent them with people that i love. and those people, i can count them on 1 hand. i have a list of people that i trust, and i genuinely like, and the list is countable within 5. and not so surprisingly, majority of them come from home. i thought to myself many times that now i understand why people, after an extended period of time being abroad, just want to go home. because, home is where they can be themselves and not have to put on a face to pass the day.

i’m more fluent in my 2nd and 3rd language than my mother tongue. i guess that’s the only upside of living abroad. and you grow up. that’s the 2nd. and the 3rd? you cry less, smile more, and pretend better.

2012
04/30
CATEGORY
LJ
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April 20

4.20 sitting at home and being antisocial. 4.20 being completely sober for once in like, 3 years. 4.20 having all sort of mixed emotions and the midst of plans and confusions about future. 4.20 being a failing senior and have absolutely no clue about what to do next.

i went out to the backyard today and sat there for a couple of hours reading. but i couldn’t exactly read because i was texting with you. great distraction btw. i only went through not even 50 pages i think of Lolita and i wanted to finish. but the memories of being out there was just too much to ignore you and your text. your presence out there is still there, not faded away. i wanted to tell you that everything was the same, except that you weren’t there anymore. still the stoops, the San Pellegrino, the pack of cigarette, i with my phone.

i can recall the conversations we had out there. too many of them. i thought to myself why i didn’t read last weekend. then i realized shortly after that because reading while you were here would be a waste of time. then i thought to myself, why i wasted too much time sleeping. i shouldn’t have slept a wink when you were here. but then i didn’t know exactly how difficult it would be after that. if i would have known i wouldn’t waste a second sleeping.

you asked me how long i have been wearing your shirt still. it has been about a week. and i didn’t want to change out of it. i looked at it today when i got out of shower, and thought to myself that i should change it, but i just couldn’t throw it in the laundry pile. because i know, somehow, in my mind, there is a part of you still there and it will go away once i do laundry. so i couldn’t do it. i keep wearing it even though i know it’s time to change to a new one. maybe i will just keep it like this for a while longer, until i get used to not having you around.

you told me you understand how hard it is to be in my house and not having you around. it is extremely difficult. today when i walked inside i was about to ask if you wanted water and then i realized you weren’t there. and i paused for a second. that moment, was a bang to my conscious, that you have gone. that i needed to go back to reality. that i need to readjust to my life before you came. that i need to try to stay normal again. and it was hard.

the conversation of talking about last weekend was always painful. i sob every time we talked about it. normally i try to not cry because i wouldn’t want to ruin my mascara, but at times i just couldn’t. like last night. when you hadn’t woken up yet and i was thinking about how just exactly a week ago, at that time i was home with you. and i burst out crying. i didn’t tell you but that was the reason i passed out. exhaustion from everything and on top of that, trying to hold back the tears so i can at least pretend to be okay to deal with my life.

i said not to let me go. and you said not to let you go either. but then, you make it hard to not let you go anyway, so i see no point of you saying that. i can see people leaving me because that’s what i do. i push people away, i lock them out of my comfort zone and i am the expert at detachment from people. i try not to do that with you. i try to tell you everything, including thoughts that i normally don’t tell people. i try to moderate my depression period, because i know you get frustrated when i have my cycle because you can’t do anything about it. but you need to know that dysthymia is a lifelong disorder and we just have to live with it somehow.

you are an enormous pain in the ass. a narcissistic son of a bitch, as jacopo and i both agreed on. but then, after all, you are MY pain in the ass, so i would have to get used to it and live with it, like how you would grow accustomed to my dysthymia and live with it. at some points i feel like, we are all fucked up people, in some ways, i am just more fucked up than you are. i have enough experiences and knowledge to deal with a narcissistic, or at least i think i do, considering i’m a semi-successful psych minor. but then, you are still difficult to let go, so that wouldn’t be an issue. possibly the only issue is at times i would be too much of a trouble to deal with, and at those times, please, don’t let me go. i have enough people left me in 20 years of my life that i don’t think i need another one.

you said i was materialistic. i thought you knew. but then i thought, you might get mad because you think i tried to make it difficult for you. it wasn’t. it has been my philosophy for as long as i can remember. i always criticized Paul for being to “economics major” when he weighs the pros and cons of every single tiny decision. and then i realized, i’m no better. i make my decision most of the time purely based on the benefits i could get out of it. i told you, i’m too rational sometimes. plus, being an accounting major, i am taught to have a mindset of calculating everything i see into cost and benefits. like how i go out to eat, and in my mind i would calculate the gross margin of the food they make and how much they charge. or somebody talks about some machine and all i can think of is how they would depreciate and how it would be on a tax basis. it has become a habitual mindset of thinking.

i wouldn’t be surprised if by the time you could afford Harry Winston you would go marry someone else. it is totally logical. it’s like i tell myself that i don’t expect to get married, because honestly, who would want a high maintenance wife like me? i know so many girls with the life plan of graduating college get a job then get married. i have much more plan than that. i want to have a law degree then be a lawyer then maybe get married. i’m not even sure. my mum always complain about how much i want to work. she would be like why would you want to work so much, just work for the little amount of money and then get a husband that does the rest. funny, mum. because i have/have had no intention of getting married. i have always thought as if it was a curse of some sort.

“wife” is such a fancy term i don’t dream about… just saying it out loud is weird enough. to be someone’s “wife”. WIFE.

… wife…

2012
04/20
CATEGORY
LJ
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420

It is inevitable that i will miss you and i have to bear the same consequences as you do. If i don’t then there’s a serious problem with our relationship. This is a ldr and when i said i wanted it i am prepared to deal with all these emotions. Being with you is not an impossible task, it is just a tiny bit harder than with other people, but i can handle it.

You asked me what you should do? This is what you should do: don’t blame it all on yourself. You said that you feel guilty when i behave like this. Don’t. You know eventually i will be fine. I will revert back to being myself soon enough.

I love you.

2012
04/19
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LJ
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April 19

this is just plainly insufferable.

i don’t know how many times i have stopped myself from going insane. not exactly like i am capable of anything but i have been on the edge of bursting out crying for so many times and i couldn’t. the worst part is, i know i would somehow feel better if i cry and let it all out. but i couldn’t even cry and all these building up inside me in crushing me parts by parts into pieces.

i came back to smoking because you made me miss it. even though i said i hate the smell of cigarettes you have but i terribly missed it when you are gone. especially when i’m wearing your cardigan. i’ve been wearing it for the past 3 days because i couldn’t bear with the fact that you are not here. you are here in this cardigan somehow and even if it was just only a bit, i wanted it.

this time last week we went out for brunch. i can still vividly see it. and it sucks. and here i am, sitting in the backyard with a pack of cigarettes because that was what we did every afternoon. just another afternoon, like any other afternoon. it was just last week. just last week.

there are times that i want to turn back time. or stop time. i was desperate to have one. and i am still desperate to have one. Time Turner sounds so good right now. anytime i need comfort i could just rewind time and relive that weekend. if only. if only.

i know exactly why i hate ldr. this is exactly the reason why. i can’t stand to suffer. especially absences. it is always incredibly and extremely difficult to deal with the time after a happy time. because all of those flashbacks and memories flood in to my conscience and i can’t shake it off. my mind is too good in memorizing happy memories. i can’t suppress them. i can seem to suppress horrible memories just fine, and i learnt to cope, but i can’t do this.

i can’t tell exactly how many times i curse distances. because my last 4 or 5 relationships are all like that. i think distances have a thing for me of some sort. you asked why both i and Minh Dang don’t approve ldr. this is why. the suffering aftermath is often, more than usual, insufferable. isn’t it ironic? but then, i somehow managed to love someone an ocean away. maybe for all the time i curse at distances, it put me back in places where i can’t do anything but watch the suffering eat me away.

it’s difficult enough on my part. but watching you bearing the same consequences breaks my heart. i feel like being with me is already an impossible task but now you have to feel the same, it is just too much to bear. i feel like i put on you too much pressure, more than you need, or ever wanted. i feel guilty for all of the thing you have to go through, given that you are this merry happy kid, all of my problems and depression weight upon you are dragging you down with me to this unhappy state.

tell me, what should i do?

2012
04/19
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LJ
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List

because of you that i failed my tax quiz, missed my governmental homework and skipped my extra credit for tax, this is my demand for reimbursement.

  1. you will be good so you can go to Florida in June
  2. you will not have heated argument with parents but a calm and logical, reasonable and rational grown up discussion. i know it needs mutual disposition for this to happen but at least from your side, it has to fulfill all of the requirements above.
  3. you will go to sleep before 2am on weekdays and before 3am on weekends. and wake up when i wake you up so you won’t have another “waking up 15 minutes before train.”
  4. you will stay home on weekends if parents are home.
  5. you will not post embarrassing pictures of me on public sites.
  6. you will not spoil new tv shows episodes for me.
  7. you will talk to me and will not lock me out for any reasons., legitimate or not. —–> now this applies to you too.
  8. Quit smoking. And this applies to both. I don’t want to see you smoke, and i know i was a bad influence, but no, don’t smoke.

that’s all for now. this is susceptible for changes.

and also, last but not least, you are not allowed to let me go.

2012
04/19
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LJ
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April 17

“don’t get attached to people. because when they leave, you don’t know what to do.”

i tried so hard not to get attached. i tried so hard to be independent and secluded. i thought i was happy. i thought i achieved what i wanted, to be completely free of tangled relationships.

it has never been easy, it has always been hard. i can’t get over goodbyes. they are the worst. i was so happy to the point that i wasn’t sure if it was real. i lived through the weekend with a strange feeling like being on absinthe. happy, bubbly. the warm fuzzy feelings you get from champagne. or maybe it was like champagne. bubbly but sizzle. and the sizzle doesn’t last.

i went to sleep with an uneasy heart. because the bed feels so empty. i normally sleep only half of it, but it was so empty that i wanted to cry. the space you left, i feel like it was too big for anything to fill in. not even all 3 of my teddy bear, eeyore and bunny combined can make any difference.

i fell asleep a short while after you left. because i tried not to cry and my eyes got tired. i fell asleep on your side of the bed, as if we were just taking a nap. i woke up, horrified and distorted, because you weren’t there. then i remembered that you left. and i was left in this distortion portion of my mind. i didn’t know what to do. i went out to eat and talked and lost track of time. i was helplessly empty.

it really doesn’t matter how many goodbyes i’ve been through, i can’t never get used to it. i couldn’t stand seeing you leaving. i know if i had stayed outside i wouldn’t let you leave. i don’t want to. it wasn’t a loss but i feel like one. i couldn’t walk around the house without thinking in the back of my head where you might be. it was too great of a discrepancy to fill in with whatever means.

i still feel lost. like loss of a part of myself. i went to class with a tiny hope of getting out early so i can see you. but then i realized i won’t be seeing you. and then i didn’t know what to do, what to think, how to feel.

and yet i still don’t know.

2012
04/17
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LJ
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Eeyore bụng béo

Đùa chứ về Zürich xong tự dưng thấy depressing quá, kiểu tự nhiên về 1 phát cold and windy and rainy, vẫn quen ở RVA đang nóng. Trời nóng thế mà chúng nó cứ ôm nhau =). Ở đây lạnh mà chả có ai ôm :(.

Mình seriously rất embarrassed nhưng mà vẫn phải admit là không cần phải chờ đến tối mà lúc ngồi ở Gate A7 RIC mình vừa text với bạn đã vừa /sob rồi. Ts. Mình ghét ngồi chờ ở RIC tại lúc đấy mãi vẫn k thấy plane đâu, càng chờ càng khó chịu. Mình chỉ muốn take a cab quay lại nhà bạn. Kiểu ngồi vừa hope là mình sẽ miss plane vừa muốn được đi nhanh. Ghét phải chờ. Ghét phải đi. Mình cứ nghĩ là đã dealt with this feeling before then it should be easier. But no.

Mình vẫn đang không hiểu tại sao mình lại phải get involved with one of the most dificult person to deal with. Anyway, made a promise not to let you go, so i won’t.

I miss you.

2012
04/16
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LJ
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Notes

About wednesday when you arrive:

  1. you’re supposed to arrive around 4:30ish pm, with luggage waiting time and about 20-30 minutes taxi ride, you’ll be at my house around 6ish pm, which means it is highly likely that i will still be in class at that time. so there are a couple things noted below that you might want to know.
  2. my house is at the end of the street, right before the bridge. when you come in through the first layer of doors, the one on the right is mine, 1st floor. i’ll be locking my door but i’ll leave the key in the mailbox for you. my mailbox is the upper one.
  3. the doorknob is broken, so don’t try to put the key in there. i’ll lock the upper lock, the key to that lock is the big Eeyore key.
  4. when you walk in the house, the 2nd door on the right is to my room. don’t go into the first door lol there’s nothing in there.
  5. don’t lock the door after you come in. as long as you’re in the house the door doesn’t need to be locked.
  6. explore the house if you like. there’s literally nothing in the house anyway so…
  7. i should be home around 6:30/7pm latest.
  8. do NOT throw my Eeyore out of the window! or my teddy bear for that matter of fact.
  9. for wifi: it’s HOME-D9A8, password is H2113018645488F0. password for my laptop is the same as always if you need the password for wifi.

anyway that’s pretty much all. not sure if i need to note anything else but this is up for changes.

2012
04/09
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LJ
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CBASP Significant Other History procedure (SOH)

Instructions: Significant Others are the dominant/major players in the patient’s life. The list should include no more than 4-6 Significant Others – individuals who have left their personal “stamp” on the patient and influenced them to be who they are as well as influenced the direction their life has taken. The stamp may either be “positive” or “negative.”

Administrative Step 1:

Request a list of 4-6 Significant Others – persons who have shaped the patient to be who he/she is. The stamp may either be positive or negative.

Administrative Step 2:

Go through the list in the other that the Significant Others are listed.

Administrative Step 3 (prompt questions):

Begin with this question: What was it like growing up or being around this person? Let the patient recall several memories, situations, or stories. Then, go to one of the prompts below and say:

1: Tell me how this person has influenced you to be the kind of person you are now.

2: How has growing up/being around this person influenced the direction your life has taken – What is the direction?

3: What kind of person are you as a result of living around this person?

Administrative Step 4:

The goal of this step is to have the patient formulate one Causal Theory Conclusion for each Significant Other. The Conclusion should denote the “stamp” or “legacy” that the patient feels the Significant Other has left on him/her that influenced him/her to be who they are today.

2012
04/08
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LJ
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April 8

So i had a short summary of my week to Windshield. and i realized, there are more to it than just a hell of a week.

on how i reverted back to my last relationship and realized how much i’ve moved on from there.

on how i stayed up until 5am trying to sort things out between UBS and US Airways for your ticket, but ended up paying it with my card.

oh how much all of it, i went through it with you on the other side.

i keep thinking and thinking about wednesday. i feel like it’s right there but yet it’s not there yet, and that long waiting period makes me go crazy. i hate waiting for a reason and the anticipation that every waiting bears is purely miserable. it doesn’t matter what kind of waiting, it kills me every time.

i cleaned my room today. mostly just solely for the purpose of you coming. i wouldn’t have done with if there wasn’t any kind of special event. but it looks so spacious now, and suddenly i feel sort of empty along with the room. mostly everything is in place but i still feel like i’m missing something important and i can’t pin point it to a specific object.

i feel like i’ve jinxed this whole trip by telling some of my friends that you might be coming. i said before that i couldn’t count on anything until you get on the plane and on the way here, because i can’t risk my expectation to chances. but then, after all of those commotions, i do cross my fingers still, that you’ll be here and it wouldn’t ruin my anticipation.

Minh asked me before, about what is the problem in our relationship. i merely said insecurity. but it wasn’t yours. it was mine, it was me being highly insecure with pretty much everything. i hate how when i said insecurity Minh thought it was yours. it does sound strange though, doesn’t it? for someone to strangely admit insecurity and propose no solution. i don’t know how to alleviate that, i don’t even know how to get out of dysthymic mood. sometimes i thought it would be healthier if i try to fluctuate from dysthymia to hypermania, to create this pseudo happiness that i think it might be easier for you to deal with. but i find that it’s difficult for me to get to even just a normal mood base line, let alone hypermania. so, with that effort, i see no future in my being easier to deal with. so i guess you will just have to get used to being in a relationship with a pure dysthymic patient.

it’s me again alone in a huge house. and being antisocial.

2012
04/08
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LJ
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Mar 29

lecture of suicide definitely hit me more than i expected it to be. i almost had a breakdown in class because it evoked memory that i wished not to be recalled ever. it sucks to have such thoughts that i failed to suppress. it doesn’t matter how much i try, i never succeeded in suppressing those recalls. it all came back to me at once when he was talking about prevention. “never take a suicidal, regardless of suicidal ideation or attempts, lightly”. Dr. JPM was proud that he has never lost anyone because of suicides, but then that made me a very bad friend to lose at least 2 in just 20 years of my life. and people asked me why i’m a psych minor. because i have a damaged soul that is potentially dangerous to people, and i’d love to be able to control that.

it all took me back to 4 years ago. the thoughts that i tried so hard to forget, i couldn’t. and sometimes when i wish i wasn’t a part of it, you just had to bring it back and slammed it at my face, on how much of i failure i am as a friend, and a listener. and then it took me back couple months ago, on how i failed to be a listener and lightly disregarded something that is important. i feel like i don’t learn anything. it doesn’t matter if it was a childhood friend or just a friend, all they need is a listener, and despite my claim of being a good one, i failed at it.

people don’t understand. they think i’m responsible because of what happened couple months ago. they think it is my fault that it happened. they think that i should have remorse about what happened. they always think of what i should have done, of what i’m at fault. they failed to recognize how i feel, as i fail to recognize the situation. but, doesn’t that just mean i’m selfish, for thinking only about what people should know, not what i should? i know that i’m partially at fault, and nothing can shake that feeling off my back. it’s a horrible feeling, to know that you failed, not once, but twice, in the thing that you were proud of. and yes, people just to have to rub it in my face about that. you have never lost anyone, yet you act so almighty about it.

it was like a flashback. all of it. couldn’t sleep at night and constant silently crying on the phone every night. i was more anxious because of that even more than when my brother was born. i guess because birth is a good thing and losing someone is not. but then, i was more shaken back then than when i lost my grandmother. they say when you lose somebody, you’ll know to appreciate. i guess because you have never lost anyone, it all comes easy to you to talk about that and not having aftermath disruptive thoughts.

/life of a psych minor.

2012
03/29
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LJ
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March 19

watching Californication a lot certainly has somewhat influences on how i view life, and all other shitty things that accompany it. just when i thought i was happy, for a bit, it all came back and smacked me in the face, reality it is. such a cruel thing.

i was speechless. i didn’t know what to think. i don’t know now, still. i wasn’t sure what was going through my head. i feel like my pride was hurt. severely so. what sort of ground that permit such thing? why, am i not good enough or something? i feel horrid. i can’t describe the feelings. when i read that text, i was silent for a good minute. i have never thought of that as a problem. never for a moment. and now, it comes back to haunt me, because of my careless dismissal earlier.

i am not one of those people who give a shit about what others think of me. i really don’t care much to give a fuck. but these are different. they are someone that matter. like, no matter what, i would care about what my parents think. so i do. but then, if i care, then i’d be giving up a certain part of me that is significantly important. Minh Dang told me that the choice is to get hurt now or later. and i don’t know the answer. i don’t know how to choose in this situation. why do i have to choose? life is about making choices, but why some of them are incredibly difficult to make?

i wanted to cry. but then i stopped myself. but then i started sobbing unconsciously. i love you, but the pain from that solely is too big of a wound to make a promise not to cry. and maybe because of that same reason, i find my tears running. i couldn’t put into words what the reason was when i told my friends. they didn’t thoroughly understand. only Minh Dang semi-comprehended what happened. while i know living with parents will eventually lead to something like this, it came at an unexpected time and i’m not at all prepared.

i love you. sometimes i think i’m punished for committing myself into a ldr something that i was against with all my mights, because it hurts me too much to bear with all this distance and not seeing e.o. but then i realized, i was just a little selfish annoying girl, because everything i want is what i shouldn’t want. so all of these, now, is what i have to give up, so i can gain what is there in return, in which i’m not even sure that’s what i want anymore.

so, what will it be? what do i have to do, or what should i do? should i stay? should i leave? should i carry this burden in my heart, heavy like an anchor, or should i let go, swim to the surface and leave whatever i have behind, so i can save myself? what is it gonna be?

2012
03/19
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LJ
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March 12

i feel burdened by the fact that i know people, those who are close to me, a little too well that i wanted to. i know how they’d feel, what they’d do, how certain things would affect them, how they’d react to certain stuff, or how they’d behave in certain situation. at first i thought it was a good thing, that i know people, that i know how to adjust to certain people. but then, at times, i put too much considerations in my thoughts regarding it, it becomes a burden.

looking back, not a single one of my exes i don’t know them. pretty much all about them, what most people need to know. i know how they’d react in certain situation, at that time i thought it was helpful and convenient, because i know what to expect and i know how to react, but then now, after all that time, i feel like it is unnecessary, to consider their feelings. but then, it has become an innate habitual process of thinking that i can’t quite shake it off.

then, there are always two sides of the bean. as i take in consideration their feelings, i know what to do to annoy them. i know exactly what to say to hurt them the most. i adopt that habit from mum. she always know what to say to point the finger at someone and they have no choice but silently be attacked by her words. brutally. one thing i would know the best is, getting hurt by words is the most hurtful wound, and it stays. it won’t heal like a scar or a cut, it stays and deepens with time.

ethically suitable is a vague concept. how is something ethical and how is something ethically suitable. cognitive dissonance is something so prevalent and unavoidable it becomes a weight.

~

2012
03/12
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LJ
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Feb 12

i wonder sometimes too. how much longer can i hold on? they say if you’re tired, let go. even if it’s just a bit, it’s better to let go than holding on to something that wasn’t meant to be. is it meant to be? is it meant to be this long? am i overreacting or is it just because it’s over the limit that i can tolerate?

i also wonder sometimes. did you miss me, mum? i’ve been gone for the majority of the year for the past 5 years. i feel incredibly lonely sometimes. you never know that. i guess, you did at some points consider those feelings might exist. you would know. as always. mrs. know-it-all. but you aren’t i, mum. it feel horrible sometimes. i thought i couldn’t bear it. it’s been 5 years already. i thought it would be over soon, but why is it so long still?

i kind of understand why people wanted to leave. but then, they wouldn’t be satisfied anywhere, right? because people are greedy. they would constantly complain. you would know it best, mum. you would never be satisfied with anything. you would always want to push it a little more, just a little more, as you always said. i tried mum. now i can’t exactly be satisfied. now i am constantly depressed. but then, it’s not your fault. i couldn’t possibly blame it on you. correlation is not causation, one thing that i repeat over and over again.

what would it feel like, i wonder. it must be nice to feel happy sometimes. it would be nice. sure, life has ups and downs. but then, i can’t somehow find my ups. i see a lot of downs, but i can’t see any ups. like those base lines, i can’t somehow get pass the normal line to go to the positive side. even when i’m on stimulants, i feel like it must have bee pseudo happiness. even for a short period and even it was pseudo, it was happiness. but then, does it count?

attachment is a scary and at the same time, expensive notion of thought.  it requires a lot of attention and commitment, things that not exactly suitable for a person that have antisocial problem, isn’t it?

i can’t count how many times i want to run away. i know it is a coward move, but i can’t stop thinking about it. things would be easier, or not exactly. i just don’t have to deal with it and for a fleet moment, it would go away, i was hoping. but of course, the only time it would seemingly go away is when i sleep, but recently it has been haunting me even in my sleep too. they say whatever you think right before you sleep, you will see it again in your dream. but how can i make it stop? how can i make my dreams just consist of happy things? would that be too much to dream?

too many questions and no answers. there hasn’t been any answers at all. language is like a blade. sharp and hurtful. but, wouldn’t any answers better than none at all?

2012
02/13
CATEGORY
LJ
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Feb 11

sudden change of heart?

things that were never heard of. but then, at the end, it always ends well, right?

somebody said before, in the end, all is well. if it is not, it’s not the end.

should i trust? should i not? it has been a while since i last felt hopeful. that hopeful thought is like a luxury, and i’m a broke middle class, not a bourgeois.

ah baby brother how much i miss you. rolling around and pinching your cheeks out. it was only a bit this morning but it brought back the whole summer. if only. if only. at times i have this urge of going home. of having back this life where i don’t have to face anything but just all minor stuff. all was well. all was mere sheer life. it was like that. a routine life kind of thing. at that time it was boring, but why now, all of the sudden, it became the most desired thing.

i occasionally want to go to ZH too. i have this thought, a wishful thought of having a time machine when i can turn time faster so i can get out of here, shorten the period that i have to wait. i hate waiting, i hate that feeling of longing uncertainty. waiting is idling, there is no active waiting, if it was active it wasn’t waiting anymore.

i also found myself can’t cry. no matter how much i tried, i couldn’t cry my heart out. to one point, the tears just stopped, and became a burden upon my heart. it was a weight that can’t be lift, just there and i can’t do anything about it. the thought might just have helped, but at the same time it was purely just painful to think.

.

2012
02/12
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LJ
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~

Tranh thủ Chi đang đi tắm và tiện thể chưa có việc gì khác để làm trong lúc chờ đi ngủ

Gave up scrolling through texts it’ll take ages, so here are all the names that i still remember:

almighty couple

má béo couple

shopaholic couple

bear&bunny couple

egoistic couple

lazy couple

macarons couple

alcoholic couple

ma’t hip’ couple

that’s it for now. feel free to add more.

[má béo]

 

hedonistic couple: cả ngày sẽ ngủ và đến chiều đi shopping weeeeeeeeee

polyglot couple: đang arguing là nên dùng language nào để argue…

2012
02/06
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LJ
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Feb 5

i’ve had a blog since 2007. probably even earlier than that but my LJ started on January 2007.

it’s been solid 5 years. i’m surprised. half way there to the 10 years mark.

2012
02/05
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LJ
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